2019年10月27日 英语美文 暂无评论

贝姬艾克曼(Becky Aikman)说,10年前丈夫患癌去世时,她经历了悲痛,后来也适应了丈夫的逝去――不过她的适应方式似乎不像有些人期待的那样。


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When her husband died of cancer 10 years ago, Becky Aikman says she experienced grief and adapted to her loss -- but not in the way some people seemed to expect.
贝姬艾克曼(Becky Aikman)说,10年前丈夫患癌去世时,她经历了悲痛,后来也适应了丈夫的逝去――不过她的适应方式似乎不像有些人期待的那样。
About a year after his death, when Ms. Aikman felt it was time to start rebuilding her life, she attended a widows support group meeting. She arrived and found a tissue box on each chair, she recalls. The group leader talked about the five stages of grief, each woman described her husbands death and everyone cried.
Afterward, Ms. Aikman spoke to the leader and, pointing out that the group was called Moving Forward After Loss, she asked, Couldnt we focus on the future or moving on? He told her he didnt think she fit in and asked her not to return.
There is an expectation that a proper widow maintains this cliche of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, says Ms. Aikman, now 58 and living in Brooklyn, N.Y. She doesnt go out, doesnt laugh, doesnt date. The idea is that you have to do a penance almost, for years.
Almost five decades after psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Rosss 1969 book On Death and Dying, the grieving process is still popularly understood to happen in five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
在心理学家伊丽莎白库布勒-罗斯(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)1969年的著作《论死亡和濒临死亡》(On Death and Dying)面世近50年后,悲伤过程依然被广泛理解为分成五个阶段出现――否定、愤怒、讨价还价、沮丧和接受。
But in recent years researchers and experts have found little evidence that these stages exist. People who bounce back after a death, divorce or other traumatic loss often dont follow this sequence. Instead, many of them strive to actively move forward.
The traditional model of bereavement is that there is work to do, says George Bonanno, a grief researcher and professor of clinical psychology at Columbia Universitys Teachers College, and the author of The Other Side of Sadness. There has never really been any evidence for that.
哥伦比亚大学(Columbia University)教育学院悲伤问题研究者、临床心理学教授乔治博南诺(George Bonanno)说:“按照传统模式,失去亲人后你要做很多事来解脱,实际上从来没有任何证据证明这一点。”博南诺博士也是《悲伤的另一面》(The Other Side of Sadness)一书的作者。
Each persons grieving is unique, of course. But in a 2002 study of older men and women who had lost spouses, Dr. Bonanno found that in 50% of the participants, the main symptoms of grief -- shock, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression -- had lifted within six months. The majority of people can function pretty soon afterward, he says.
Instead of five stages, Dr. Bonanno compares grief to a swinging pendulum. People get very upset and then feel better -- over and over again. A person may be crying and then suddenly laugh at a funny joke or memory. In time, the periods between pendulum swings get longer and gradually the pain subsides.
People often feel guilty about moving on, says Camille Wortman, professor of social and health psychology at Stony Brook University, in New York, whose research focuses on grief. This is why it doesnt work to just try and feel better, she says.
纽约州立大学石溪分校(Stony Brook University) 主要研究悲伤问题的社会与健康心理学教授卡米尔沃特曼(Camille Wortman)指出,人们常常会对放下过去往前看感到愧疚。她说:“这就是为什么努力让自己感觉更好但没有效果的原因。”
Its important to ask yourself, What matters most in my life at this time? Dr. Wortman says, and then focus on the answer. It might be your children, your health, your job or a passion for music or art. Stay in touch with your values, she says. This can activate positive emotion, which provides a respite from grief.
The advice boils down to: Get out and try something fun. Psychologists call it behavioral activation. The idea is that feeling bad can lead to a downward spiral: You stop going out, quit exercising, sleep poorly, gain weight. Doing enjoyable things can reverse this trend.
Steve Govoni has been widowed twice. After his first wife died in 1998, he read about how the stages of grief are like a slow climb out of a valley. Mr. Govoni had two small children and a demanding job as a supervisory analyst. Languishing in that valley wasnt a viable option, so I just soldiered on, he says.
史蒂夫戈沃尼(Steve Govoni)有过两次丧偶经历。在第一任妻子于1998年去世后,他读了些书,讲述的是经历悲伤的各阶段就像像慢慢爬出山谷。当时他的两个孩子年龄尚小,而且他从事的管理分析师工作要求很严苛。他说:“在那个山谷中煎熬不是个可行的办法,所以我就选择了直面困难。”
In time, he met a wonderful woman and remarried. Then last March, his second wife died after an 18-month battle with cancer. This time, Mr. Govoni decided to tackle his grief head-on. He looked up old friends, took his son to Rangers games on his visits home from college and worked on enlarging his wifes gardens. He took his daughter to Broadway plays and volunteered as the photographer for her high-school drama productions.
Grieving is never easy, but the combination of doing a job I love and maximizing quality time with friends and my daughter made it easier to move on, says the 64-year-old senior financial writer, who lives in Rowayton, Conn.
Ms. Aikman, a newspaper reporter at the time of her husbands death, used her journalism skills to research better ways to move through grief, with the idea that she might even write a book. She found out that grief doesnt go in stages, but in waves. So I learned that this feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back was normal, she says.
She wondered: Why not form a support group of her own? She put out the word and found five other women who had been widowed between six months and two years. They planned to meet once a month on a Saturday night, emotionally the toughest night of the week, Ms. Aikman says. After their first meeting, the women made plans to try new activities together instead of sitting around talking about loss. We needed to change if we wanted to be happy. Ms. Aikman says.
The women took a cooking class; went on a tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art that focused on works about recovery and renewal; spent the weekend at a spa; shopped for lingerie; helped one member move into a new home; volunteered at a camp for children who had lost a parent; and invited several widowers over to compare experiences. Their grand finale was a trip to Morocco.
Through it all, they talked about how to move forward, to date, to deal with children, to merge families when they remarried. They discussed grief, too, of course -- but only when it came up naturally in conversation.
Ms. Aikman eventually wrote a book about the women and their friendships; Saturday Night Widows came out last year. Ms. Aikman says she has heard from hundreds of people who are relieved to learn their grieving process wasnt strange even though it doesnt fit the stereotype. Many people said theyd been inspired to try something new -- getting a dog, taking a trip, buying a car. One woman went to a jazz club alone, another learned to snowboard. Quite a few decided to form their own support groups.
艾克曼最终写了一本书讲述她们这群人及她们的友情,取名为《周六晚的孀妇们》(Saturday Night Widows),已在去年出版。她说,她接到了几百名读者的信,信中说,她们明白了,自己的悲痛过程即使与旧传统不符也没有什么奇怪的,这使她们松了一口气。许多人说,她们受到了启发去尝试新事物,比如养只宠物狗、出门旅行、买辆新车等等。有一名女子只身去了爵士俱乐部,另一人则学会了滑雪,还有不少人决定成立自己的互助小组。
If you want to be happy, you have to grow and change, Ms. Aikman says. And pushing yourself into new experiences is the way to do that.
艾克曼说:“如果你想开心起来,你得成长并做出改变。促使自己寻求新体验是实现这个目的的途径。” www.verywen.com